~EspionagePenguin

Highlights:






Mood: restlessly lazy
Listening to: Der Erlkonig by Franz Schubert
Reading: Remasculinization of Korean Cinema
Watching: Old Boy (!!!)

QUALITY CONTROL SURVEY


God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to
better serve your needs, God asks that you take a few moments to answer
the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be
kept completely confidential and that you need not disclose your name or
address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?
___ Newspaper
___ New Testament
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Other book
_x__ Television
___ Divine inspiration
___ Word of mouth
___ Dead Sea scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near-death experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Who?
___ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model God did you acquire?
___ God of Israel
___ Jehovah
___ Allah
___ Just plain God
___ Krishna
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pack)
___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pack)
___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pack)
_x__ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes _x_ No
If No, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Not omniscient
_x__ Not omnipotent
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
_x__ Makes mistakes (e.g., Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
_x__ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
_x__ Plays dice with the universe

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God?
Please check all that apply:
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
_x__ Indoctrinated by society
_x__ Needed target for rage
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Hate to think for self
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ To tick off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
_x__ Enjoy organ music
___ Needed focus on whom to despise
_x__ Needed to feel morally superior
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition
to God?
Please check all that apply:
__ Self-help books
__ Tarot/astrology
__ Star Trek reruns
__ Fortune cookies
__ Annie's Mailbox
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
_x_ Sex, drugs, and rock & roll
_x_ Biorhythms
__ EST
_x_ Television
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggart
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
_x_ Human sacrifice
__ Wandering around in desert
_x_ Burning shrubbery
__ Other:_____________________

6. Have you ever worshiped a false god before? If so, which one were you
fooled by?
Please check all that apply:
___ Odin
___ Cthulhu
___ Lottery
___ Baal
___ Beelzebub
_x__ The Almighty Dollar
___ The Conservative Right
___ Mick Jagger
___ Bill Gates
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ Ronald Reagan
___ A burning cabbage
_x__ Mushrooms
___ Other: ________________

7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the
balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.
Which would you prefer:
___ More divine intervention
_x__ Less divine intervention
___ Current level of divine intervention is just right
___ Don't know - what's divine intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the
following (1 = unsatisfactory; 5 = excellent)
Disasters:
1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 war
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
1 2 3 4 5 Republican Congress
1 2 3 4 5 Jerry Lewis
1 2 3 4 5 Dubya
1 2 3 4 5 my last relationship
Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over towns
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 clear and competent statements by the president
1 2 3 4 5 my present relationship

9. Please rate the following using the above scale:
1 2 3 4 5 God's courtesy
1 2 3 4 5 Answers to your prayers
1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?
1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?

10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving
the quality and equality of God's services?

Y'all done screwed up.




(Answers are a weird mix b/t myself and Kai)